CARLA, female, late teens to early 20s. MOM, female, old enough to be Carla’s mom. DAD, male, old enough to be Carla’s dad.
Act I A living room. Mom and Dad are seated on opposite ends of a couch or in chairs. Dad could be reading a newspaper that hides his head until he says each line. He’ll also have a blanket on his lap, but the audience shouldn’t notice it until he whips it out later. Carla, their daughter, enters.
CARLA Mom, I need to tell you something.
MOM (aghast) Is it about the car?
CARLA The car?
DAD Carla, you know how much your mother loves that car.
CARLA I know, Dad.
MOM Did you spill food in the car?
DAD What did your mother say about eating in the car?
MOM I have forbidden eating in that car unless—
CARLA (reciting what she's heard a million times) Unless I'm stranded in the middle of nowhere without any gas and the doors are locked and I have to ward off starvation by eating parts of myself or, God forbid, the car. I know!
MOM You were having sex in the back seat, and made a mess!
DAD What did your mother say about having sex in the car?
MOM I have forbidden having sex in that car unless—
CARLA (something else she's heard a million times) Unless we're stranded in the middle of nowhere without any gas and the doors are locked and it's our responsibility to repopulate the Earth due to some apocalyptic catastrophe that's wiped out the rest of mankind.
(A pause, as Carla thinks she’s finished.)
MOM And only?
CARLA And only if we lay the "special blanket" on the seats. (On “special blanket,” Dad raises a blanket from his lap.) I know!
MOM It's that crazy boyfriend of yours. He probably killed somebody.
DAD (snooty) In his line of work, I wouldn't be surprised.
CARLA He's a florist!
MOM (ignoring this) Killed somebody, and dumped the body in the trunk.
DAD What did your mother say about dumping a dead body in the trunk?
MOM I have forbidden you to dump a dead body in the trunk unless—
CARLA Unless the homicide was in self-defense or to avoid being blackmailed, and with a method that causes only internal injuries, such as bludgeoning with a bag of oranges. I know!
MOM Do you know how hard it is to get body-fluid stains off the upholstery?
CARLA Yes I do, but that's not what happened.
MOM (to Dad) She dropped the car down a gopher hole!
DAD Traded it for Pokemon cards!
MOM Melted it down and made friendship rings out of it!
DAD Made a time machine out of it, and left it in the past when you returned to the present!
MOM (to Dad) Now how could she get back to the present if she didn't use the time machine that brought her to the past?
DAD Oh. Right.
CARLA Dammit! It’s not about the car! (Mom and Dad stop abruptly to listen.)
CARLA The car isn't damaged. Nobody crashed into it, dropped a grand piano on it, sold it on eBay, or had sex in it, on it, or with it!
(Mom shivers with joyous relief.)
MOM Thank God!
CARLA The hospital called. Grandma died.
MOM (taking this in) She died?
CARLA (consoling) I'm sorry, Mom.
(Mom takes a moment to digest this.)
MOM (in a panic) Did she die in the car?
DAD What did your mother say about relatives dying in the car?
MOM I have forbidden relatives dying in that car unless—