JOE, a guy selected to travel through time. He means well, but it as idiot. Male, 20+. SENATOR DOUGLAS, a stern senator. Male, 40+. DR. JENSEN, a scientist sort of guy. Male, 30+. A 102-YEAR-OLD GERMAN WOMAN ANOTHER 102-YEAR-OLD GERMAN WOMAN. She could/should be portrayed by the same actress.
Act I A top-secret laboratory. DR. JENSEN, looking like the scientist he is, is here. Maybe he’s wearing a lab coat and holding a clipboard.
SENATOR DOUGLAS, wearing a suit or looking otherwise senatorial, enters.
SENATOR DOUGLAS Dr. Jensen! What is the status of the secret project?
DR. JENSEN Hello, Senator Douglas! What secret project might that be? The grow-body-parts-from-vegetables project?
SENATOR DOUGLAS No.
DR. JENSEN Oh! You mean the send-someone-back-in-time-to-kill-Hitler project!
SENATOR DOUGLAS Yes.
DR. JENSEN Well, the thing is —
SENATOR DOUGLAS Wait, what’s the grow-body-parts-from-vegetables project?
DR. JENSEN Never mind. Regarding the send-someone-back-in-time-to-kill-Hitler project, our time traveler is set to return at this very moment.
SENATOR DOUGLAS Good. If the American public thought we wasted billions building a time machine, plus the extra billion it costs for a single round-trip to and from the past, and we couldn’t kill Hitler, it would be a disaster!
(There’s the sound, offstage, of someone returning from a time machine. JOE, a young guy, enters from stage right.)
JOE (triumphantly) I have returned!
DR. JENSEN And?
JOE Mission accomplished!
SENATOR DOUGLAS You did it! You killed Hitler!
JOE (not as triumphantly) Oh...
SENATOR DOUGLAS You didn’t kill Hitler?
JOE I achieved most of my objectives.
DR. JENSEN Your objectives were to go back in time...
JOE Check.
DR. JENSEN Blend in with the population...
JOE Check.
DR. JENSEN And then kill Hitler!
JOE Yes!
SENATOR DOUGLAS But you didn’t kill Hitler.
JOE
No!
SENATOR DOUGLAS
(to DR. JENSEN)
Why did we pick this guy again?
DR. JENSEN
Joe’s the only one around here who speaks German.
JOE
I spent summers with my aunt in Dusseldorf. She taught me a new word each time we’d
go to the store. Do you know what the German word for “tampon” is?
DR. JENSEN
I don’t want to —
JOE
It’s tampon. Who knew?
SENATOR DOUGLAS
You’re going to have to go back.
JOE
Why?
DR. JENSEN
Because you didn’t kill Hitler!
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Listen, son. We took a poll of the electorate to find out what they’d want to happen if we
could invent time travel. Last week’s lottery numbers came in first place, but killing Hitler
was next on the list, so you have to kill Hitler.
DR. JENSEN
It’s going to cost another billion dollars to send him back.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
I don’t care! He has to kill Hitler. Go kill Hitler!
(JOE exits stage right. There’s some noise
offstage, then JOE returns.)
JOE
Hello!
3.
DR. JENSEN
Did you kill Hitler?
JOE
No. But I met a woman named Gerta.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Does she know Hitler?
JOE
I’ll go back and ask. But it’s crazy! I was having sex with her —
SENATOR DOUGLAS
I don’t want to hear this.
JOE
No, listen! While we were having sex, I realized that Gerta was born around 80 years
before I was. And the idea of having sex with a woman who’s 80 years older than me,
well, usually I’d find that pretty gross, because today she’d be like 102, but at the time, it
was pretty hot.
DR. JENSEN
Did you at least have the chance to kill Hitler?
JOE
Not really. I met Gerta the first night I arrived and once I discovered the having-sex-with-awoman-
who’s-80-years-older thing, we just spent most of our time in bed.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Did you —
JOE
Having sex.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Did you learn anything while you were there?
JOE
Yes. The German word for tampon? It’s not “tampon.” Boy, was that embarr—
(SENATOR DOUGLAS pushes JOE
offstage right)
4.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Go back there and don’t you return until you kill Hitler!
(SENATOR DOUGLAS leans close to DR.
JENSEN)
Exactly what role did Joe have in this facility before he was selected for the mission?
DR. JENSEN
(sheepishly)
He’s the janitor.
(A brief silence.)
SENATOR DOUGLAS
You said a billion dollars for every trip.
DR. JENSEN
Yes. One billion.
(The same time-travel sounds as before. JOE
returns. There is splattered blood on his
shirt.)
JOE
I did it! I killed Hitler!
(SENATOR DOUGLAS and DR. JENSEN
rejoice, exchange high-fives, etc.)
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Good work, son!
JOE
Yeah! Actually, it was pretty easy.
DR. JENSEN
Easy? Doesn’t he travel around with lots of staff and bodyguards?
JOE
Not when I ran into him. I got up real close and shot him, and he fell right out of his
wheelchair.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Wheelchair?
5.
JOE
Right. You said he had no legs, right?
DR. JENSEN
No one ever said that.
JOE
But Gerta pointed him out to me. After we had sex again, I told her I was looking for an
important Nazi named Adolf — I didn’t say the last name because I didn’t want to give too
much away — and she pointed him out in the street! I went right up to him and said, “Is
your name Adolf?” and he said, “Ja,” so I shot him.
(DR. JENSEN starts flipping through the
pages of his clipboard.)
SENATOR DOUGLAS
In Germany in the 1930s, the name “Adolf” is as common as “Joe” is in the United States
today!
JOE
(happily)
Hey! That’s my name!
SENATOR DOUGLAS
You killed an innocent man! What have we done?
(DR. JENSEN shows JOE his clipboard.)
DR. JENSEN
Is this the guy that you shot?
JOE
Yeah! That’s him!
DR. JENSEN
The guy he killed was an SS officer — Adolf Sheinkrausser, also known as the Legless
Butcher of Berlin. It was actually a good thing that Joe killed him.
JOE
Hooray!
6.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
But you still have to kill Hitler!
JOE
I’m telling you, it’s not gonna be easy! All these Germans, they all look alike. After I killed
Adolf What’s-his-face, I went back and had more sex with Gerta. It turned out I was
having sex with a girl named Elsa! Elsa is Gerta’s twin sister, so you could understand
why I’d make that mistake But did Gerta understand? Noooooo!
DR. JENSEN
Adolf Hitler is the most recognizable political figure of the 20th century! He has that square
mustache...
JOE
The Hitler mustache?
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Yes! Yes! Why do you think they called it the “Hitler mustache”?
JOE
I thought it was a coincidence, like Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig’s disease...
DR. JENSEN
Get out of here!
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Go kill Hitler!
(JOE leaves again.)
SENATOR DOUGLAS
How many billion are we up to now?
DR. JENSEN
I’ll send you a bill.
(Time-travel sounds, etc. JOE returns. More
blood on his shirt.)
JOE
Done and done. After I had more sex with Gerta, unless it was Elsa —
7.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
That detail isn’t necessary.
JOE
— there was an important-looking man with the Hitler mustache surrounded by a bunch of
people, so I went up and shot him.
(A dramatic PAUSE.)
SENATOR DOUGLAS
I think you actually did it!
DR. JENSEN
Finally!
JOE
The weird thing is...
DR. JENSEN
Oh, boy.
JOE
After I shot him, all the people around him started yelling, “Charlie! Don’t die, Charlie!”
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Charlie?
JOE
Yeah. Maybe that was his German name.
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Adolf is his German name.
DR. JENSEN
(a bit of a revelation)
You said his name was Charlie...what were they doing?
JOE
They were filming something. Maybe it was a propaganda film. This Charlie Hitler guy
looked like he was in charge.
DR. JENSEN
I think you shot Charlie Chaplin.
8.
JOE
Who?
SENATOR DOUGLAS
I’m shutting this project down. He killed the guy with no legs; that should count for
something.
DR. JENSEN
Do you think he really killed Charlie Chaplin?
SENATOR DOUGLAS
I don’t know. When I get home, I’ll check Netflix to make sure all his movies are there.
But first we gotta figure out —
(From stage left emerges an OLD GERMAN
WOMAN, wearing a red kerchief.)
OLD GERMAN WOMAN
Joe!
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Who the hell are you?
JOE
Gerta! You found me! It’s been 80 years, but it feels like we just had sex 10 minutes ago!
(JOE runs up to GERTA and they embrace
and make out loudly and sloppily, making
SENATOR DOUGLAS and DR. JENSEN
very uncomfortable.)
If you won’t be needing me to go back in time anymore, we’ll just be...
(JOE pantomimes sex with some crude
thrusting motions. GERTA copies the
thrusting.)
SENATOR DOUGLAS
(at the end of his rope)
Just...just get the hell out of here.
9.
(JOE and the OLD GERMAN WOMAN
leave, cooing in gibberish German to each
other.)
Let’s just make believe none of this ever happened.
DR. JENSEN
That works for me.
(ANOTHER OLD GERMAN WOMAN
enters. She looks exactly like the first one,
only her kerchief is blue.)
ANOTHER OLD GERMAN WOMAN
Vere ist Joe?
DR. JENSEN
Didn’t you just leave with him?
ANOTHER OLD GERMAN WOMAN
Nein! Dat vas mein sister, Elsa. I’m Gerta!
(She turns and leaves, shouting after JOE and
her sister.)
I’ll get you, you schweine!
(A PAUSE, as the two process what just
happened.)
SENATOR DOUGLAS
Can that time machine take us back to right before we decided to build the time machine?